So often, women leaders are handed an unspoken mandate to become the emotional shock absorber for their teams. They learn to manage everyone else’s experiences rather than their own. But in their new book, Leading the Culture Journey: Elevating Everyday Actions to Create Extraordinary Workplaces, Vidl Work Co-Founders Rebecca Johnson and Natalie Johnson argue that a better, more sustainable approach to culture-building comes from looking inward.

By focusing on what they control — themselves, their actions and reactions — women leaders can not only improve how they relate to their colleagues, they can become more fully themselves, at work and everywhere else.

In this excerpt, Rebecca Johnson reveals the three core pillars of “Me Work” all leaders can undertake to update their inner operating systems and unlock their full potential.

— Chief

Paul is a newly promoted manager in a county government organization who had just started professional coaching. In our session, he and I are talking about how his avoidance of conflict — or anything that feels like conflict — has become very problematic for him. He’s aware that he rarely speaks truthfully with other people when he thinks it might make them uncomfortable. He procrastinates sharing difficult feedback with team members. If things get even remotely heated in a conversation, he shuts down, caves, or changes the subject just to end the conversation. Now that Paul has recently been promoted to a leadership position, he’s feeling more pressure to get better. Without the ability to speak candidly and navigate friction, he won’t be able to lead his team well.

As Paul is describing this tendency, I ask him what it feels like when he imagines giving tough feedback or has to navigate a tense conversation. “My stomach twists up,” he says. “I’m so worried that they’ll be offended by something I say or view me as cold or no longer ‘one of them.’”

By the end of the coaching session, Paul has more clarity about why he avoids candor and conflict. It’s important to him that other people perceive him as a nice person. He’s worried about offending others or hurting their feelings. And he doesn’t know what to do when other people get uncomfortable or mad. I ask him: “What needs to happen internally for you to become more skilled and confident with speaking candidly and navigating friction?”

Paul begins processing out loud what needs to happen. He’s going to have to figure out how to be okay with the fact that other people might be upset with him or a decision he’s made. He’ll have to stop prioritizing being perceived as “nice” at all cost — or at least redefine what it means to be a nice person. He’ll need to learn how to handle his own discomfort and other people’s emotions when they run high.

Paul has just identified some crucial self-development work we refer to as “Me Work.” If Paul invests time and energy into doing his Me Work, he’ll not only become a more effective communicator; he’ll be making an important contribution to improving his team’s workplace culture. Because influencing culture for the better starts with Me Work.

What Is ‘Me Work’?

Me Work is the personal work of updating our inner operating system that each of us can only do for ourselves. It includes and results in an evolution in thinking, feeling, and decision-making that enables us to relate better with others and more effectively address the challenges and issues that inevitably arise. When we do our Me Work, we become more equipped to contribute to the development and nurturance of a thriving workplace culture.

While Me Work might take many forms, common examples include:

  • Paying closer attention to our thinking and adjusting our internal narratives when they are undermining us
  • Generating more empathy for others
  • Not taking things personally
  • Processing emotional discomfort in healthy ways so we don’t project it onto others
  • Reducing excessive connection to technology and/or work to create more balance
  • Letting go of anxiety, micromanaging, or the need to control

You have influence on your workplace culture, no matter what your role or title is or where you sit in the organization. One way you start to influence your culture is by focusing on the things you have direct control over. As much as we might like to believe we have control over lots of people and circumstances, the reality is that each of us only has control over ourselves: our actions and reactions, which are fueled by our inner operating system.

People who do this “Me Work” are at the heart of a thriving culture. They are self-aware, open to practicing new ways of being, and are intentional about being relatable to others. Me Work is crucial not just in designing and nurturing an intentional culture; it’s essential for living to our full potential. We often hear from our clients that this work has been unexpectedly beneficial to them personally and in relationships outside of work, too.

There’s a bonus to engaging in meaningful culture work, too, especially for those who really show up for it. What we learn about ourselves and others in the context of work is directly applicable to our lives outside of work. When we do our Me Work, we become better people and we relate with others better: our children, our siblings, our parents, our friends, our neighbors — and definitely our colleagues.

Our experience has taught us that Me Work can be understood through the lens of these three pillars: energy, connection, and courage.

Energy

Energy Me Work is about developing greater awareness, language, skills, and practices that help us elevate, replenish, and direct our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual energy. It empowers us to feel more energized and relate with others more effectively.

Even though energy is our primary fuel for life, most of us learn very little about it in childhood or adolescence. While our formal education teaches us a lot about math, science, reading, and writing, we don’t typically learn about ourselves and our energy. Many adults enter the workplace and adulthood in general ill-equipped to understand and manage their own energy. Energy is one of our most valuable resources, yet many of us fail to manage it effectively. When we do our Energy Me Work well, we often find that we’re able to make gradual and important shifts in ourselves — even while navigating the same complexities of the workplace.

Connection

Connection Me Work is about prioritizing strong interpersonal relationships over ego, defensiveness, or being right. Connection Me Work is about taking responsibility for our inner operating system so that we become more open and available to give the best of ourselves to others — and receive the best others have to offer with both grace and healthy boundaries. When we do our Connection Me Work well, we end up seeing the reality of others more clearly and communicating with more truth and care.

One of the biggest reasons Connection Me Work is so important is because humans are hard- wired to seek connection with others. To live and work to our potential, we need to feel accepted and valued. On one hand, this is a good set up for business because most significant organizational achievements result not from a single individual but from the connection and collaboration between multiple individuals. Ironically, despite this need for connection, our default reactivity often leads to behaviors that disconnect us. We often mindlessly choose being right or maintaining a self-image, usually to the demise of genuine connection with others.

When we do our Connection Me Work, we tend to notice subtle and sometimes overt differences in the way we feel and relate, even with people who do not seem to be doing their own Me Work. Over time, we are gradually able to shift to clearer forms of communication, more emotionally open and available to others, and are able to consider different perspectives. This can reduce stress, improve overall health with greater mental focus and clarity, and gives a clear purpose that directs our energy investments in the workplace.

Courage

Courage Me Work is about strengthening our integrity muscles so that we do what is right or necessary more often, even when it feels hard or risky. Courage Me Work helps us clarify our values and act in accordance even when it means we need to walk through fear or discomfort in order to do so.

Courage Me Work challenges us to get comfortable with feeling vulnerable or afraid and following our internal North Star anyway. Over time, Courage Me Work reduces the amount of fear or anxiety we experience because we learn that choosing courage in the face of vulnerability breeds connection, builds resilience, and elevates energy more often than it results in negative consequences. We also learn that, even when negative consequences from brave choices arise, we can handle them.

Courage Me Work often results in greater confidence in our abilities and values, even if it’s uncomfortable. It’s speaking directly to others, navigating conflict with mindfulness, and holding ourselves accountable.

The bad news is that we all have Me Work to do. And the good news is that we all have Me Work to do! All of us at least occasionally fall into default states of reactivity or mindlessness and show up for others in a less-than-ideal way.

We each have opportunities for self-improvement. The difference is people don’t have to do Me Work, it’s whether they choose to. Those of us who want to live and work to our potential and contribute to the strength and effectiveness of the groups we are a part of, we choose to do it. If you are interested in improving the culture on your team or in any aspect of your life, the work starts with you.

Excerpted from Leading the Culture Journey: Elevating Everyday Actions to Create Extraordinary Workplaces with permission from Wiley. All rights reserved.