What happens when we skip the small talk?
In 2014, journalist Kalina Silverman was feeling lonely and disconnected, so she decided to bypass surface-level conversations. Instead, she started asking total strangers questions like, “What are you proud of in life” and “What do you want to do before you die?”
Cut to 2026 and the result — her @makebigtalk videos — is now a global movement that’s helping millions to create deep connections and, ultimately, more meaningful relationships. It’s an initiative that’s all the more vital in this age of automation and AI.
This week, Silverman joined us in The Chief Suite at SXSW to help women leaders in the room bring Big Talk into their networking styles and remind us that the most important conversations are the ones we’re brave enough to start.
In this excerpt from her new book, Big Talk: How to Skip the Small Talk, Make Meaningful Connections, and Enrich Your Life, she reveals the power curiosity holds for moving past mundane interactions. Read on for her advice on reigniting your own innate curiosity and candor.
— Chief
The writer Ralph B. Smith once observed that children ask about 125 questions per day and adults, about six. So, as we grow up, we lose 119 questions from our daily curiosity quota.
At what point do we lose our innate curiosity and candor to say what’s on our minds? I once saw something a six-year-old wrote: “Grownups are weird because when you ask them, 'How are you?' they always say 'good,' even when they're not good!”
The truth is, everyone is going through or thinking about something you might not expect — and has a story worth sharing. You can’t see it on the surface and won’t discover it through small talk. Make space in your life for curiosity to flourish. Allow time to look up at the stars, search for treasures along a seashore, meander along a town’s Main Street, or schedule a visit to see old teachers and friends. Time and space are rare to come by, but they are essential for cultivating curiosity.
When I lead Big Talk workshops, one of the first questions I encourage people to ask is, “What have you been curious about lately?” This question gets to the crux of what people are thinking and helps us sidestep mundane small talk.
Give More Intriguing Answers to Pique Others’ Curiosity About You
Curiosity isn’t just about others — it’s also about how we present ourselves. When someone asks, “What do you do?” it’s tempting to stick to a basic job title. But consider how much richer the conversation could be if you offered a more intriguing answer.
Here are some ways I’ve answered this question instead of saying, “I’m a journalist” or “I’m an entrepreneur:”
- “I run a movement called Big Talk where I skip small talk with strangers and ask them more profound life questions.”
- “I travel the world making videos, asking strangers meaningful questions for a living. I also love to surf, practice martial arts, and paint.”
By sharing something more descriptive, personal, or unexpected, you invite curiosity and set the stage for a deeper conversation.
Fill Your Well
If you feel drained or uninspired lately, it’s time to refill your well of curiosity. Read, travel, talk to people, experience culture, and look outward. What fascinates you lately? What sparks your sense of wonder? Filling your life with curiosity makes you more interesting and better equipped to connect with others.
One way to recharge is by seeking experiences that inspire awe. Awe improves mental health and reignites our love for the world and its people. Psychologist Dacher Keltner identifies eight wonders of life that evoke awe:
- Moral beauty: Witnessing acts of virtue and kindness.
- Collective effervescence: Feeling connected in large gatherings like concerts or rallies.
- Nature: Experiencing the majesty of the natural world.
- Music: Being moved by melodies and rhythms.
- Visual design: Marveling at beautiful architecture or art.
- Spiritual experiences: Feeling connected to something greater.
- Life and death epiphanies: Moments that make us reflect on existence.
To invite awe into your life, practice noticing with all five senses.
Go on a Curiosity Quest
Whether discovering answers to your family’s history in a remote village of your ancestors, hunting for the best dumplings in your hometown, or searching for secret waterfalls and swimming holes on a coastal road trip — quests are exciting ways to build bonds. For parents and kids, quests can be a fun and meaningful way to connect. I remember going on “rock walks” along the seashore with my dad when I was a kid. Now, I’m planning a quest to discover animal sanctuaries around the world, since my dream is to one day have one of my own. Go on a quest with your community, someone you love, or a friend you want to strengthen bonds with. Whether you're solving a mystery or exploring a new place, the journey of your curiosity quest is the destination.
